Just in time for Christmas, kids: more senseless random violence. I suppose it was a mere indiscretion of judgment on the part of Artemis Prime to serve up a caffeine packed potable to one of nature’s most accepted, rampantly overpopulated rodents. His giving nature clouded his mind and prudence was lost in the thick-as-pea-soup fog of generosity as he made that selfless sacrifice to sate the thirst of our furry woodland friends. Had he only contemplated the consequences of his actions a moment or two longer, mayhap he would have realized that a triple espresso shot sucked down the gullet of most members of the family rodentia often results in total body aneurysm. We never knew you Mr. Chitter Nutkins, but you will be dearly missed.

This is a belated “one year since my last comic” comic. I hope that you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed remembering how to make these little black and white bundles of sophomoric mayhem. I blame it on the job I was workin’ workin’, and on my scanner - it glitched all night. There’s a little Milli Vanilli for you. You looked like you needed it.

Now it’s time for me to regale you with an anecdote about human loathsomeness, specifically about that type of person most Americans refer to as “The Asshole”. To avoid having to re-type such crude language multiple times, I’ll henceforth refer to them as an AH or AHs. So I was at a local QuickTrip (or QT) and was heading inside when I heard some commotion behind me. A pair of guys, they looked like father and son, seemed a bit panicked and I followed their line of sight to the source of their panic, which was a car tearing ass through the gas station lot and screeching to stunt parkingesque halt at a gas pump. The driver had almost run down the father and son, and it looked like they had to jump out of the way to avoid such a squishy fate. Understandably angry, they approached the car containing their would-be vehicular man slaughterer. As they did so, an AH emerged from the driver’s side door. He was trashy looking, of amorphous doughy features and complexion, dressed head to toe in a fine royal blue sweat suit, belching the AH battle cry of “What the fuck is your problem?” followed by “Get the fuck out of my face! I said get the FUCK out of my face!” The father seemed a bit shocked by this, but that’s the tactic of the AH. If you’re a big enough AH you can confuse and bewilder with excessive cursing and volume. I missed out on what the father and son were saying to the man, who pushed past them and went inside to fill his insulated ultra-mega-gulp cup, probably so he could go home and sit on his fat, pasty ass and suck down sugary soda while watching NASCAR, collecting welfare, and yelling at his fat wife. Excuse me for leaning on stereotypes here, but this specimen was THE perfect example of white trash, so I don’t feel too bad slinging ‘em around. Anyway, an interesting observation I made was that the AH lingered at the drink station until the father and son had paid and left. He was, of course still yelling across the store at them, but he seemed scared. The son had stood up for himself, and all the AH could do was to tell the young man to “watch his mouth”. The son called him on it, asking “Or what? What are you going to do?” The AH didn’t have a reply to this, and he couldn’t have a reply to it, because trying to fight the father and son in a gas station where a dozen people had heard the exchange would clearly land the AH in jail. He was stumped, and all he could do is take his big stupid drink, leave, get in his car, and almost wreck into two vehicles on the way out, because he’s a fucking asshole. It was enough to make me want to stuff a handful of stickless corn dogs down his throat and water board him using some sugar-free root beer, because I’m a primal justice kinda guy. Besides, I think it’s still very questionable whether shit like that is against the law.

Ice cream and rainbows to everyone!

So once upon a time I went to Catholic High School and in a class that was either health or religion or some combination thereof they had told us to always remember that when you have sex with somebody, you’re having sex with every other person that that person has had sex with. How hot is that?

Simon will make a great father one day.